


Dying to Live

by ChrisLeon



Series: The Big Fix [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Everybody Lives, Fix-It, Fluff, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Season/Series 03, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 18:25:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19874071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisLeon/pseuds/ChrisLeon
Summary: Despite everything, Billy survived. He's not sure how he feels about that or how to deal with everything that happened to him, everything that he did. Luckily, he's not alone.Steve Harrington was about the last person he ever expected to befriend, but tragedies have a way of bringing people together in the most unexpected ways.





	Dying to Live

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Metallica's 'Trapped Under Ice' because listen to it, or just read the lyrics and you'll get it.

He knew pain. Years of getting in fights and taking the occasional swing from his father had made him pretty accustomed to it. At least, that’s what he’d thought. Everything he’d known was being put to shame right now, though. 

He’d been so sure he was going to die, but he didn’t think he was dead. At least, not yet. He was just in a lot of pain. His whole body ached and his chest and torso especially were excruciating.

_ Because that’s where it hit you _ , he reminded himself. 

He remembered being in the mall, crouched over that girl who had known, somehow, about his mother, and who’d been able to recite to him one of his happiest memories. Even with that, that  _ thing _ still in his head, the reminder of that day had been enough to wake him up, put him back in control.

He stood over the girl, shielding her, even though moments before he’d had his hand around her throat. He’d stared down the monster as it roared and in a second, with his conscious mind barely even registering what was happening before he made his decision, he knew what he needed to do. 

The monster needed to be stopped and this girl and his sister-god, Max, what was she even doing there-needed to be protected. It struck at the girl, still lying helpless on the floor, and he stopped it. Like something out of a comic book, like Superman catching a car or Atlas holding up the damn sky, he stopped it and he held on.

He’d almost laughed. This thing had given him strength and then that strength allowed him to stand there in defiance of it. He’d screamed at it even as he felt his muscles straining. He’d held on even as it struck him the first time. Then again. And again. How many did it take to finally knock him down? He couldn’t say.

But it must have worked, he must have been able to hold it off long enough because he’d felt his back hit the ground and then Max was over him, saying something that he couldn’t quite catch. He and Max may not have always gotten along, but he knew she was a smart kid, always had been. If she was still here, talking to him, it must mean the danger was gone, otherwise she would have left. 

He hadn’t been able to understand what she was saying and was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He remembered, while he’d been lying there, suddenly being aware that he wasn’t in a lot of pain anymore, which was strange because he’d been in a lot of pain just seconds before. He didn’t think that was a good thing, in fact, he was pretty sure it meant he was dying, but his thoughts were too muddled to do anything about that and his body hadn’t been listening to anything his mind was telling it to do.

“I’m sorry,” he managed to force out. Sorry that this was making her sad, sorry for all the things he’d done as a monster and for all the things he’d done of his own free will, sorry that he’d be leaving her with Neil, sorry for so many things he didn’t have the time to go over. 

He was pretty sure she was crying and he wanted to tell her it was okay or to apologize again, but nothing else was coming out and then his vision had gone black.

He’d been so sure that was the end, but now he wasn’t sure what had happened. When he’d thought about dying before, he’d always imagined it to be nothingness. A complete end to everything. But he clearly hadn’t ended because some part of him was still thinking and the pain definitely hadn’t ended. 

_ I think, therefore I am _ , his inner voice supplied unhelpfully,  _ but what am I now? _

If he was thinking and remembering, his mind had to still be intact, at least partially, and the pain meant he must still have a body. Considering the abuse both had gone through the last few days, the fact that he still had both was not insignificant, but neither thought helped with the pain or the fact that he didn’t know where he was or how he’d gotten there. 

He didn’t like not knowing. He tried opening his eyes, but it didn’t work, He tried to move his limbs, see if he could feel something to get some clues, but that didn’t work either. He started to panic. He’d spent the last week or so as a prisoner in his own head, watching and unable to stop what his body was doing. This feeling was different, but no better. He was stuck in complete blackness, able to think and feel, but with no idea what was happening outside of his mind, of where his body was or what it was doing. 

His thoughts were racing and he tried again to move any part of his body to no avail. If he could feel his lungs, he was pretty sure he’d be hyperventilating. His panicked thoughts were getting cloudy and for a moment he thought he heard voices, a few, talking over each other, before consciousness slipped away. 

* * *

When he awoke again, he was still in pain. He let out a groan and then startled at the noise. He heard a sound to his right, like a chair scraping against the floor, and then someone was saying his name. 

“Billy?”

He tried opening his eyes and found this time that he could, but immediately closed them again because wherever he was, it was too bright. 

“Billy,” he heard again, “are you awake? It’s me, it’s Max.”

Her voice sounded shaky, and he wanted to answer her, but all that came out was another groan. He felt a light touch on his arm and finally forced his eyes open enough to glance towards her. 

“Max,” he said, his throat aching and his voice scratchy, “you look terrible.”

She stared at him in shock for a moment, before breaking down into laughter that was almost sobs. The other girl, the one from the mall, was sitting next to her, trying to soothe her. 

He took a second to glance around the rest of the room, the machines attached to him and the tiny cot he was lying on.  _ Hospital _ . 

“Hey, Max, hey, it’s okay,” he said, coughing around the words and then grimacing at the pain that sparked in his chest. “You always look terrible, so it’s fine.” She looked back up at him, eyes still watery, but with a small smile on her face.

“You just wake up after almost dying and you’re already being awful?” He felt himself smiling back her, despite the pain it caused, pulling at injuries on his face. He spared a brief moment to wonder what the hell he looked like, considering he felt like he’d been run over by a car that had then decided to back up for good measure.

“What can I say, kid? If you were expecting me to behave, you would have been better off just leaving me at the mall. Less disappointment.”

“No,” the other girl said, speaking for the first time. “We wouldn’t leave you.” 

He was taken aback for a moment by her intensity and found it difficult to hold her gaze. 

“I think,” flashes of memories came back to him, things he hadn’t been fully aware for, “you already told me your name. I can’t remember it.”

“El.”

“Nice to properly meet you, El. I’m Billy.”

“I know.”

He waited for a moment to see if she was going to say anything else. When it seemed nothing else was coming, he moved his gaze back to Max.

“So,” he began, then immediately stopped when he realized he didn’t know what else he wanted to say. “So, what happened?” he settled on, after a moment of thinking. A simple enough question, yet, as much as he wanted an answer, he was also dreading it. 

Max opened her mouth to answer before hesitating and turning to look at the other girl.

_ El _ , he reminded himself,  _ her name is El _ . 

She shook her head, “Not now, not here,” she said to Max. “You need to get better first,” she said to Billy, “and then we’ll tell you everything. Promise.”

For a moment, he wanted to argue, wanted to yell that he damn well deserved to know what had happened, what that thing was, and how he was still alive. But the earnestness in El’s voice held him back. And he hadn’t been lying when he’d said Max looked terrible. Both girls looked exhausted, with a few bruises and scrapes of their own. He wasn’t even sure he had it in him to yell at the moment and it didn’t look like either of them were in a place to take it, either. 

“Fine. Okay, but I’m holding you to that.” He coughed again and winced when something in his side was tugged in an unfortunate direction. That seemed to spur Max into action. 

“I should go get the doctor,” she said, rising from her chair, “and I should call mom and Neil, tell them you’re awake.

She was out the door before he could protest the latter and El followed after her, sparing him a small smile before the door swung shut behind her. 

He had to stay in the hospital for another two weeks before he was cleared to be released. Two weeks of being watched and prodded by doctors, of hearing the word miracle repeated over and over again. Being stuck in a bed all day and needing help to piss didn’t feel like a miracle, but then, no one asked for his opinion. 

He gathered bits and pieces of what the official story was from what they told him, but it was hard to ask questions after it had quickly become clear that most people had no idea what really happened. Hell, he barely had any idea what really happened and been there for most of it. Physically, at least.

They were saying it was a fire. It didn’t seem like a fire could be responsible for all that happened, but again, no one was asking him. The kids had supposedly been in the mall after hours, hanging out and misbehaving, like kids their age were wont to do. He’d been there to pick up his sister and when the fire broke out, he ran in to help them.

“That was very brave of you. Stupid, but brave,” one of the nurses told him. He gave her his best charming smile, or at least tried to, and fed her some cocky bullshit line about doing the right thing while trying to tamp down the sick feeling in his stomach that came whenever he thought about what he’d really been doing at the mall.

It was coming in bits and pieces. Some scenes from the last week stood out in clear, lucid detail, like Heather approaching him in the shower, right before he, he-

Others were complete blanks, like getting too drunk and waking up the next day with a bad hangover and the fear of not knowing where he’d been or what he’d done for hours. 

He knew enough, though. He knew he’d killed people, a lot of people. Led them to their death and let that monster take them. He knew he’d gone after Max and her friends. He knew he’d been trying to kill El right before she’d managed to break through to him.

More than once, when he started thinking about all the people who had died because of him, he’d start panicking and his heart rate would spike. Doctors and nurses would come flooding in when the monitors they had him hooked up to went haywire and then he’d have to sit there while they fussed and pretend everything was okay, unable to explain what was wrong. 

Max and El had both been in and out of his room the whole week. Susan had shown up with them twice, misty eyed and thankful. She’d even tried to give him a hug before realizing it probably wasn’t the best idea, given all his injuries. His dad had shown up that first day he’d woken up and spent most of the time talking to the doctors. After that, Billy didn’t see him again until he was needed to bring him home.

Once, Max had shown up with the whole herd of idiots behind her. He wasn’t sure why, it didn’t seem like any of them wanted to be there and he sure as hell didn’t want them there. He endured their presence for almost a full hour before Steve Harrington of all people stuck his head in the door and told them they had to go if they still wanted him to drop them off at home.

“Hey, Harrington,” he called, while the kids pulled themselves off their chairs and gathered up all the random shit they’d brought with them. 

“Yeah?” He answered, looking at Billy for the first time.

“Everything that happened is still a little hazy, so I was wondering if you could clear something up for me.” He felt everyone tense in the room around him. For all the talking the kids had done, none of them had brought up what he’d done that landed him in the hospital in the first place. Steve looked nervous and he glanced around at the kids before answering.

‘Sure, uh, what is it?”

“At the mall the other night,” to his right, one of the kids whispered something that was met with more low hissing from the others. He ignored them and carried on, “did you hit my fucking car? Because I know someone did and I’m pretty sure it was you.”

Steve was silent for a moment, clearly not expecting that. “I, uh, yeah, I did.” He looked sheepish at first, before seemingly remembering himself. “But, y’know, you were trying to hit everyone else, so. Or, uh, not you, I guess. Just, uh, you were there, and I, uh, had to do...something.” he finished lamely. 

That was the most anyone had said about it since the first day when Max and El had promised to tell him later. 

“Don’t worry about it, Harrington. It was my foot on the gas pedal, wasn’t it?” He was trying to make it a joke, but he couldn’t hide the way his voice cracked. This elicited a whole new round of whispers from the kids and hearing their voices seemed to remind Steve of why he was there in the first place. Rather than saying anything else to Billy, he called again for the kids to come on and then was out the door with one last glance at Billy. 

The last kid to leave was the quiet one, little Byers whose first name Billy couldn’t remember. He was almost out the door, but he stopped and looked back at Billy, still lying prone on the bed. 

“It, uh, it happened to me too. Last year. I know what it’s like.”

And that confirmed what Billy had been suspicious about for a while now, that Hawkins was no stranger to weird things going on. But still, whatever this kid had gone through, how could he really know?

“Really, kid? You, personally, led dozens of people to their death last year?”

He didn’t answer.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He settled back into his pillow and closed his eyes, hoping the kid would get the message. He didn’t open his eyes again until he heard the door close a final time. And if his eyes were wet with tears spilling over when he finally did open them, no one was there to see it. So it’s almost like it didn’t happen. 

* * *

At first, he’d been excited to go home. Well, he’d been excited to get out of the hospital, but he quickly got over that excitement. No one spoke on the car ride home and upon arriving, he hobbled as quickly as he could to his room, shut the door behind him and sat down on his bed. He took a second to relax into the familiar surroundings, but his calm was shattered when he accidentally met his own eyes in the mirror. 

It was the first time he’d seen himself since before everything. Ignoring the stiffness in his body the painkillers had been unable to mask, he stood and approached the mirror. He examined his face first, still bruised and sickly, skin closer to grey than any healthy person’s should be. 

_ Could be worse _ , he thought. Bruises would fade over time, he knew that better than most and hopefully, with time, his skin would return to its normal color. But of course, he’d known that it wasn’t his face that had gotten the worst of it.

Carefully, wincing as his movements stretched his injuries, he tugged his shirt off over his head and let it fall to the floor. 

He was no stranger to seeing his own flesh bruised and cut, not with the way he lived. But this, this was something else. There were  _ holes _ in his chest. Stitched shut and healing, but still. That thing had reached into him and tried to kill him. He traced over the largest one, right in the center of his chest.

_ A goddamn miracle _ , he thought to himself, almost laughing. That’s what everyone had kept saying; it was a miracle he’d survived. It didn’t feel like a miracle. It felt like he’d been torn apart by a monster he’d helped make. It felt like he should be dead. It felt like he deserved to be dead. 

He understood then, why no one at the hospital had allowed him to look at himself in a mirror. He could barely stand it. He wanted to smash the mirror, to never have to see his face again, but he knew if any one heard the smash they’d come to see what he’d done and the one thing he wanted more was to be left alone. 

He settled for flipping the mirror around and collapsed on his bed again and didn’t move again for the rest of the day. 

He stayed in his room as much as possible, leaving only to use the bathroom and to shuffle to the kitchen for food that he could then take back with him. Susan tried a few times to get him to eat with them, but she gave up eventually. His father seemed content to leave him alone, for the time being at least. It’s not like he could get in any trouble in his current state. 

It was Max who finally broke his routine. Well, Max and El. The two girls marched into his room one day without knocking and it was a testament to how little energy he had for anything these days that he couldn’t even find it in himself to yell at them. 

“Can I help you ladies with something?” He asked, forcing as much sarcasm into the words as he could muster. They looked at each other before answering.

“You wanted to know what happened. What actually happened.” Max said.

That got his attention. He sat up, trying to hide his pained grimace. “You guys want to do this now?”

“We promised,” El answered in her strange way.

“Well, go ahead,” he gestured to the foot of the bed for them both to sit down, “Let’s hear it.”

So they sat. And they talked. And he listened. 

When they’d both fallen silent, he realized that the light coming in through his window had dimmed considerably. It all seemed so ridiculous, monsters and experiments and the Soviets setting up a secret base in Hawkings fucking Indiana of all places. 

And yet. Had he not been a part of it? It all fit perfectly into what he already knew and what else could explain what happened to him? What he did?

The two girls were still watching him, silently trying to gauge his reaction. 

“This gate, where this all came from, it’s closed now?” he asked, needing to be sure.

“Yes.” El answered.

“And the monsters can’t exist out here as long as the gate is closed.” Max added on.

“But it can be opened again. Clearly it can be opened again.”

“It won’t,” El said, placing a small hand over one of his, “we’re watching. I’m watching.” 

He looked at her, really looked. She could be anyone, really, one of millions of other teenagers, but now he knew where she came from, what she’d done. And looking into her earnest eyes, he couldn’t help but believe her.

“Okay.” She smiled at him, before following as Max climbed off the bed. 

“Now you know,” Max said, “but you can’t tell anyone.”

“Yeah, I got that. Wouldn’t be much of a conspiracy if everyone knew the truth.”

“Whatever, just keep your mouth shut. And maybe try leaving your room sometime, or at least keep the door open. It’s starting to smell in here.”

She was through the door and gone before he could throw an insult back at her. Whatever.

Still, on some level, he knew she was right. Regardless of what he may want, he couldn’t spend the rest of his life in his room. He didn’t have his car anymore, but Susan was more than happy to let him borrow hers. She practically threw her keys at him before he’d even finished the question, probably relieved that he was up and speaking for the first time in days. 

He spared a brief thought to mourn his Camaro, it’d probably been towed off to some junkyard by now, before unlocking the door and climbing into Susan’s car. The engine was nowhere near as loud as the Camaro’s had been, but as soon as it rumbled to life he suddenly wasn’t sitting in his driveway anymore, he was in the mall parking lot, engine revving, poised and ready to kill-

He flung himself out of the car, heart pounding, hands shaking with adrenaline, and feeling like he needed to run, but with no idea where to go. The car was still on, the door still open; he wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and tried to stop the shaking. He glanced around, but it didn’t look like anyone was around to see what had just happened. 

After taking a few breaths to steady himself, he climbed back in the car. He braced himself for another flashback, but nothing came. He was able to shut the door, shift gears, and back out of the driveway without any problems. Some part of him knew that he shouldn’t be driving when his hands were still shaking, but he’d been a little reckless and he wasn’t ready to give up. 

He drove aimlessly through the small city. A part of him still itched to run, to stomp down on the pedal and  _ go _ , regardless of what was in front of or behind him. It wasn’t a wholly new urge, he’d been feeling trapped ever since they’d moved to Hawkins, but he never went through with it. He never had enough money for food and gas to make it passed Illinois and seeing as his summer job hadn’t really panned out, it didn’t look like that would be changing anytime soon. 

He spun the wheel at the next turn, swinging around the corner and earning a loud honk from the car going straight that he’d cut off. He glanced at his mirror to see who was so annoyed that they had to lay on the horn like that and, oh, he knew that car.

Billy was self-aware enough to know that he sometimes behaved like an absolute asshole. Quite often, in fact. And that part of his personality, it seemed, hadn’t been changed by a monster taking up space in his head for a few days. So, when he found himself with an annoyed looking Steve Harrington in his rearview mirror, he couldn’t just let it go. 

He eased his foot off the gas pedal, letting the speedometer fall below the speed limit for the first time in his life. The car slowed to an agonizing crawl and while he could feel himself itching to go fast again, he resisted the urge and his patience was rewarded when Steve honked the horn again. 

Billy let out a loud laugh, watching the other boy’s disgruntled face in the rearview mirror. He eased up and even more to the point where the car was barely moving. In the mirror, Steve threw his hands up in exasperation. Trying and failing to tamp down the laughter this stupid little game was causing, Billy took his foot completely off the gas pedal and let the car role to a stop in the middle of the street. Steve had no choice but to stop as well and Billy wondered briefly if any poor bastard was stuck behind the two of them. 

They sat there for a handful of seconds before Steve honked again once and when that got no reaction, he held it down for at least ten seconds. Still nothing and he must have gotten fed up because instead of using the horn again, he threw open the door and stormed up to Billy’s window where he was greeted by the sight of Billy trying and failing to hold in his laughter. 

“What the hell, asshole?” Steve yelled, knocking on the window. Billy rolled it down, allowing the other boy to hear his laughter instead of just seeing it. “I’m serious! Are you even supposed to be driving right now?” Finally managing to stifle his laughter, Billy answered. 

“Probably not. But I’m bored, Harrington. I’ve spent more than enough time being bed ridden. Needed to get out of the house.”

“And where exactly were you going before you decided to stop in the middle of the road?”

At that, Billy could feel his face heat up. It wasn’t that uncommon for teens to drive around aimlessly, it wasn’t like there was much to do in a little nothing place like Hawkins, but the fact that he was doing it alone was embarrassing. He didn’t have any real friends and he didn’t have anywhere to go. He just didn’t want to be home. But he wasn’t about to admit any of that to Steve Harrington. 

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business, Harrington.”

“It’s my business because you decided to stop right in front of me just to be a dick. So, either get where you’re going or at least, let me pass.”

“And where are you in such a rush to get?” It was a little pathetic, but this was the closest he’d been to socializing in a while. Well, aside from when Max and El had explained everything to him, but that was less of a conversation and more the two of them talking at him while he sat there in stunned silence, trying to absorb. The point is, Steve Harrington being angry at him was the closest to normalcy he’d had in weeks and he didn’t want to give it up. 

“Home, Billy. I’m going home. Or, I’m trying to, but you’re making that a little difficult.”

“That’s boring. Steve Harrington’s got nothing better to do on this lovely summer day? I’m disappointed.”

“Oh, and I’m sure you’ve been up to all kinds of exciting things lately?”

“Hey, I was possessed by a monster from another dimension that then tried to kill me. What’s your excuse?”

Instead of answering, Steve just got a weird look on his face. “So, are you all caught up on,” he made a vague gesture to the town around them, “everything?”

“Yeah,” Billy answered, the humor leaving his voice. “I take it you already knew everything?”

“Yeah, I was around for most of it.” He looked away from Billy for a second, glancing back at where his car was still parked in the middle of the street, luckily with no one behind it. “Listen,” he said, shifting his gaze back to Billy, “I know it’s a lot. Like I said, I was there and it still seems unbelievable sometimes. So if you, I don’t know, need something, I guess-”

“You’re available? You wanna be my therapist Harrington?”

“You know, I was trying to be nice, but I guess I forgot, monster or not, you’re still an asshole.” He started walking back towards his car and Billy cursed himself for being desperate and bored enough to do what he was about to do. Before Steve could get back to his car, he opened his door to follow him.

“Hey, Harrington,” he called.

“What?” he yelled back, turning to face him.

“You don’t have to pretend to be my therapist, or pretend you’re emotionally intelligent or anything,” Steve snorted, “But if you ever wanna pretend we’re normal teenagers for a fuckin’ second or something, we could do that.”

“Are you asking me to hangout, Hargrove?”

“Not if you’re gonna be weird about it, Harrington.”

“I’m not,” He stopped, took a breath, then continued, “Listen, if you wanna hangout, we can. If you’re so bored right now that you’re stopping in the middle of the street for fun, then you can come over to my place if you want. It’s still just a house, but it’s a different house, if that makes it any better.”

Billy was shocked into silence for a moment before he collected himself to answer. An immediate invite wasn’t what he expected, but he wasn’t gonna turn it down either. “Yeah, that’d be cool.”

“Great, now you’ll have to get back in your car and actually drive, asshole.”

“I don’t even know where you live, dickhead.”

“Then pull over and let me pass you. But to do that, you still have to  _ get in your car and move _ .”

Billy just laughed at that instead of answering, but he did get back in his car, so Steve should be happy with that.

Describing the Harrington house as ‘just a house’ seemed like a little bit of an understatement. After a few minutes of following, it became clear to Billy that Steve was leading them into the nicer part of town, where the houses were all at least two stories and the lawns were well manicured and green. The Harrington house fit in perfectly with the rest of the neighborhood and before getting out of the car, Billy rolled his eyes at the stereotypical display of upper-middle class living. If he had access to their kind of money, he’d use it to get the hell out of Hawkins, not on landscaping and fancy curtains. 

Following Steve in through the front door, he let out a low whistle. “Nice place you got here, Harrington.”

“Yeah, it’s nice, I guess. Make yourself at home, or whatever.” He led them into a spacious living room where Billy promptly dropped onto the couch. It was partly to see what kind of face Steve would make when he kicked his feet up onto the coffee table-which did not disappoint-and also partly because he really did need to be still and relaxed. He wasn’t about to admit it, but he was still very aware of his injuries and just driving around was more activity than he’d seen since getting out of the hospital. 

He took stock of his surroundings. The living room, like the foyer, was well-maintained and stylishly furnished. There were a few personal touches scattered about, family photos and mementos. It was also almost completely silent.

“You live alone, Harrington?” he asked Steve, who was still standing, looking awkwardly out of place in his own home.

“My parents are away a lot. They’ll be back in a few days.”

“You’re really living the dream, aren’t you? And would you sit down, you’re making me nervous, hovering like that.”

“Sorry, I’ll just,” he sat on the far end of the couch, still uncomfortable stiff. “Is this weird? It’s weird, isn’t it?”

“It’s only weird ‘cause you’re making it weird. Just relax, man. What do you usually do when you’re here all by yourself?”

“Watch TV, usually. Or listen to music. It’s just,” He turned, shifting his whole body to face Billy, “Are we really not gonna talk about it? You almost  _ died _ , Billy. We thought you were dead and now you’re just being your usual asshole self, acting like nothing’s wrong.”

“I thought you weren’t gonna try and play therapist?”

“I’m not trying to be your therapist, for fuck’s sake. I’m trying to be your  _ friend _ . Trust me, ignoring all this shit, acting like everything’s fine and trying to be normal, it doesn’t work.” His gaze shifted into the distance as he finished, as if he was talking to someone else, but Billy decided not to call him on it. Yet.

“We’re friends now, Harrington?”

“We could be.”

“You remember I beat the shit out of you, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Steve snorted out a laugh, “I remember. But you weren’t the first and you probably won’t be the last, so I won’t hold it against you. Besides, I also remember you sacrificing yourself and almost getting killed to stop a monster, so I figure, you can’t be all bad.” 

Billy squirmed in his seat, uncomfortable. Even though he hadn’t outright said it, saying that Billy had sacrificed himself was so close to what so many other people had been saying. That he was a  _ hero _ . The doctors and nurses had said it. Even Susan had gotten teary when she’d thanked him for saving her daughter. If all those people knew the truth, they’d be saying something very different.

Steve did know the truth and maybe that’s what made it even worse.

“For what it’s worth,” he said, not meeting Steve’s eyes, “I’m sorry for that. Beating you up.”  _ I get really mad sometimes _ , he didn’t say, _ so mad sometimes I black out. And I know exactly where I get it from and that terrifies me _ . 

Steve looked at him in surprise, clearly not expecting that. “That’s, uh, thank you. I accept your apology.”

Billy just grunted, rather than respond and still refused to meet Steve’s eyes. 

“Like I said,” Steve continued, undeterred by Billy’s lack of response, “I knew you couldn’t be all bad.”

Billy couldn’t help but let out a laugh at that, a sharp, sarcastic thing that barely counted as a laugh. “I don’t know about that, Harrington, but sure, if that’s what you wanna believe.”

“It is. And you know, you can call me by my first name. It’s Steve, in case you didn’t know.”

“Okay,  _ Steve _ . And you can call me William.” Steve laughed at that, a real laugh that startled Billy who hadn’t thought it was that funny. He looked over at the other boy, struck for a moment by the smile on his face as his laughter died down into chuckles. He recognized the feeling in his chest and immediately forced it down.  _ Not now,  _ he told himself,  _ absolutely not. Not now and not him _ . 

“I’m definitely not gonna do that.” Steve replied, not noticing Billy’s inner turmoil. “I can’t see you as a William. Like, I know it’s your name, I guess, but still. Billy suits you better, I think.” 

“I’m glad you approve. So, uh,” he scrambled for something else to talk about, “What’re you doing this summer? Seeing as your summer job, uh, burned down.”

“Not sure yet.” Steve answered, relaxing back into the couch. “Should probably look for a new job, but I’m not in a real rush. I don’t really need it,” he gestured at the house around them and at least had the decency to look a little self-conscious about it. “Robin and I were talking about applying somewhere together again, but we haven’t agreed on anything yet.”

“Robin?” Billy asked. He’d heard the name; according to Max and El she’d been around for the final showdown at the mall, but he hadn’t realized she was that close to Steve.

“Yeah, Robin. I guess you never met her. She worked with me at Scoops, so she’s out of a job too. She’s cool, you two would probably get along.”

“She’s cool, huh, Steve? And now you gotta make sure you stay together?”

“It’s not like that, man. We’re friends. I’m not her type,” he said chuckling, like it was some kind of joke. 

“Lost your touch?”

“Ha, maybe. I’m not worried about it. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Big plans for the summer?”

Billy raised his eyebrows at the question. “I don’t think I can handle anything big, at the moment. I’m out of a job, I can barely move, I’ve got no friends in this shithole hole town and now my car’s busted, so I can’t even leave.” He’d started off trying to joke, but he was unable to hide the bitterness in his voice as he continued.

Steve was silent, clearly not expecting that. “I’m, uh, sorry about your car.”

Billy just waved his hand dismissively at the apology. “It’s fine. If you hadn’t hit me, I would have run them down. If anything, I should be thanking you. That’s a few less people whose blood is on my hands.”

“You know that wasn’t you,” he said, suddenly closer, his voice soft.

“It really doesn’t feel like that,” he replied, going for angry, but unable to hide the tremor in his voice.

“Besides,” he said, changing the subject, “Max’s mom was more than happy to lend me her car. I think she wanted me out, got used to having the house to herself during the day and didn’t want to be bothered having me around.” He tried to joke to lighten the mood. At first it seemed like it wasn’t going to work, until finally Steve replied.

“I was gonna ask whose car you were driving. Who’s crazy enough to let you borrow their car, you drive like a maniac. But I guess it makes sense if she was trying to get rid of you.” Billy laughed, thankful that Steve was letting him change the subject, at least for a little while. 

They managed to have a mostly civil conversation and steered clear of more sensitive topics until it was well into the evening. During a lull in conversation, Billy realized how dark it had gotten and knew he had to go home. He said this to Steve, who seemed oddly upset about it, but understood. 

It took him a moment to get off the couch. He’d been sitting for so long and his body still wasn’t used to moving. Steve hovered nearby, clearly wanting to help, but unsure if he should touch. Billy was glad he didn’t.

He got back to the car without incident and pulled away. When he glanced in the rearview mirror, he saw Steve still standing out on his porch, watching as Billy drove away. Billy decided not to think about why he may be doing that. 

When he got home, the first thing he noticed was his dad’s car in the driveway. It made sense that he was home, in fact, it would’ve been stranger if he hadn’t been, but Billy had managed to keep their interactions to a bare minimum and now he knew he’d have to walk through the living room to get to his room. Bracing himself, he opened the door.

Neil, Susan, and Max were all on the couch watching something on TV. Max looked up when he came in and smiled. He tried to smile back at her through his nervousness. Neil had a beer can in his hand and two empty ones on the ground at his feet.

“Where were you all day?” He asked, eyes not leaving the TV. 

“I wanted to get some fresh air, sir. Get out of the house, see some friends.”

“Friends?” He asked, suspicious. He pulled his eyes away from the screen to glare at Billy.

“I told him it was okay,” Susan cut in before Billy could answer, “I let him borrow my car. I thought it would be good for him.” Billy stared at her, surprised. She met his eyes for a second, an unreadable look on her face before looking back at her husband. Neil seemed to accept that because he didn’t say anything else and Billy was free to escape to his room.

He changed into more comfortable clothes before collapsing in bed. He closed his eyes, trying to relax, but his thoughts were racing. It had been nice to get out of the house, but spending the day hanging out with Steve Harrington may not have been the best idea, either.

He’d always known Steve was attractive. It was hard not to know. But a lot of people were attractive and that didn’t have to mean anything. But that feeling he’d gotten watching Steve laugh, that was bad. That was potentially dangerous. And it hadn’t gone away. 

Acknowledging that Steve was attractive was fine when he was just some asshole Billy wanted knock down a few pegs. And maybe there was something to say about how he had started at a new school and immediately fixated on a boy and gone out of his way to bother him, but Billy wasn’t in the habit of examining his actions too closely. 

Now, though, Steve wasn’t just some asshole. Billy would rather deal with another monster than a crush on a straight boy from some small, midwestern city, but there wasn’t much he could do to stop it. 

Billy had known he was gay for years. He’d gotten over the self-hatred and had stopped trying to force himself to change pretty early on, but it wasn’t himself he needed to worry about. It was his dad, who already suspected and hated him all the more for it. It was the other people in the small, conservative little town. And it was Steve Harrington he needed to worry about. 

Sure, he could be friendly now, but if he found out Billy was gay, if he found out Billy had a crush on him, it would be the end of that.  _ Then don’t let him find out _ , he thought to himself.  _ Not like hiding and lying is anything new for you _ . 

And who knows, maybe them hanging out was just a one off thing.

* * *

It wasn’t just a one off thing. Billy had tried to put that one afternoon behind him, write it off as an anomaly and move on. He hadn’t been friends with Steve Harrington before he was possessed by a monster and he could get along fine without being friends after. And at first, it worked. Until it didn’t.

A little over a week later, Billy found himself home alone in the middle of the day. Max was off with her friends, Neil was at work, and Susan out keeping herself busy in town. Just a few weeks prior, Billy would have been thrilled to have the house to himself. No need to tip toe around his dad, no Max or Susan to bother him, but now, being alone made him uneasy.

As his injuries continued healing, he was able to spend more time out of bed. He’d stopped sleeping so much and now spent more time aware of his surroundings. Every unexpected noise, every random creak or groan from the old house, put him on edge. Sometimes he’d swear he saw things, shadows moving in the corner of his vision, only to turn and see nothing. His body was healing, but it felt like his mind was getting worse.

He’d been alone that night, when the monster first appeared. Clinging to the top of the stairs, he’d been so sure he was about to die. But he hadn’t. He’d survived and somehow that was even worse. And now he was still alive, in his own home, brightly lit from the sun outside, trembling and terrified.

A few minutes earlier, he’d heard a strange knocking coming from inside the walls of the kitchen. “It’s just the pipes,” he’d said to himself, but no amount of rational thinking could stem the panic that had already started growing inside him. Even once the noise had stopped, he’d already been too keyed up. Something moved in the corner of his eye and in an instant he was in a full-blown panic of  _ oh my god it’s back it came back for me _ , before he realized that it was just a shadow of a tree outside. 

He needed to get out of there. Somewhere with people. Surely it wouldn’t attack him if he was surrounded by people. Somewhere outside, maybe. It liked the cold and it liked the dark. If he could just get somewhere else. But how? He had no car and his injuries may have been healing, but he was still in no state to walk any long distances.

When he went to the phone as quickly as he could and started flipping through the phone book, he wasn’t worried about crushes or embarrassment or the potential fallout if anyone found out. All he knew was that he needed to get out of his house and this was the only way he knew how. 

For a few, desperate seconds, he waited while the phone rang until he heard the click of it being picked up and finally,

“Hello?”

“Steve,” he practically yelled, before containing himself. “Uh, hi. How are you?”

“Billy?”

“Yeah, I was wondering if you were free right now. And if you wanted to, uh, hang out or something.”

“Oh, uh, sure. Yeah. What did you have in mind?”

“We could grab lunch, or something. I don’t know. I just don’t have a car at the moment and I’m, uh,” he glanced over at where the shadow was still dancing on the wall, “going a little stir crazy, I guess.”

“Billy, are you okay?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. I just really need to get out of this house.” he tried to hide the desperation in his voice, but he didn’t think it worked.

“Okay,” Steve replied, still sounding unsure. “I’ll be right there.”

“Okay, great.” Billy slammed the receiver down on the base before he could say anything else. Steve was on his way. Steve with his car that could take him somewhere else. 

He decided to sit out on the porch to wait. The heat and sunlight made him feel a little better, but the neighborhood was too still and empty for him to be completely at ease. It felt like any second the monster could come up behind him and drag him back into the dark.

That’s how Steve found him a little while later, hunched over on the porch and chain smoking to try and settle his nerves. He jumped to his feet as Steve pulled up, which his body immediately protested. He ignored his injuries and practically ran to the car and threw himself into the passenger seat. As if reading his mind, Steve pulled away as soon as he was settled.

“So, uh, what do you want to do? We could go back to my place again-”

“No! Uh, We should go out somewhere. I’ve been spending a lot of time inside, y’know? Need a little change.”

“Okay,” Steve said, taking his eyes off the road for a second to look over at Billy. “I’ve got an idea.”

His idea turned out to be one of the shitty fast food places in Hawkins. This particular choice was only notable for the few plastic tables sitting outside. They were empty now, most people choosing to eat indoors and avoid the heat, but to Billy it was perfect. There were people in the restaurant, walking by on the sidewalk, and a steady stream of cars on the street. The sun was beating down, bright and heavy. It was the exact opposite of the night the monster had taken him.

They got their food and settled down to eat. Steve watched him while he unwrapped his burger. “Better?”

Billy took a sip of his drink, avoiding Steve’s eyes. “Yeah, better.” He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling the sun beat down on his face.

“How are you doing?” Steve asked. “With, you know, everything?”

“Well, I’m not possessed anymore, so I’ve been worse. I’m still healing from being torn apart, though. And I’m pretty sure I’m going crazy.”

Steve nodded as if it all made sense. “Last fall, after everything that happened, I kept expecting more demodogs to show up. Even though I knew we’d gotten rid of all of them. I have this bat,”

“With the nails? Yeah, I heard about it.”

Steve chuckled, then nodded. “I slept with it next to my bed for months, just in case.”

“What made you finally stop?”

“Time, I guess. Enough time passed and nothing happened. I guess I finally believed we were safe.”

“And now?”

Steve just shrugged, as if it were simple. “It’s weird. Like, I know that someone managed to open the gate again, but that almost makes me feel better about it. What we did worked, you know? Someone purposely tried to open it and that’s the only reason it happened. If no one does again, if we keep a better eye on it, we’re fine. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.”

“Well, I’m glad it’s been so easy for you. I don’t have a bat to keep the monsters away because, in case you forgot, the monsters were  _ inside of me _ . You keep talking about ‘everything that happened,’ as if I didn’t do it!” He slammed his fists down on the table, drawing some uneasy looks from a family walking passed on the sidewalk. 

Rather than be scared away, Steve reached out, slowly and carefully, and cupped one of Billy’s clenched fists in his hands. They sat together, silent, while the world moved around them and Billy slowed his breathing and let his muscles relax. 

“That wasn’t you,” he said softly. 

“You keep saying that,” Billy felt his throat getting tight, “You keep saying that, but it was me. I tried to fight it off and I couldn’t.”

“What was it like?”

Billy took a deep, shuddery breath. “I wasn’t around for all of it. It was like, being a passenger in my own body, y’know?” He asked, even though he knew there was no way Steve could possibly know. “It needed flesh. And I, I just kept bringing it people. Sometimes, it’s like I would black out. I don’t know what it was doing, but I’d wake up and I’d be somewhere new. When I was awake for it, I could see what was happening, feel my body doing things, but I had no control. I tried to fight it, but it never worked.”

“But it did, in the end. You saved El. You saved all of us.”

Billy stared down at the table, refusing to meet Steve’s eyes and focusing instead on where their hands were still joined. How could he tell Steve that he thought that thing was going to kill him? That he’d hoped it would kill him? As if his death could somehow atone for the dozens of lives he’d taken. 

“I guess.” He looked up at Steve again. “Are you really this cool about everything that happened?”

Steve burst out laughing. “Of course not, man.” He squeezed Billy’s hand and still made no move to let go. “Monsters from other dimensions, man! I’ve fought monsters. Multiple times. I was tortured by Russians.” He was still laughing, but there was an undertone of hysteria in it. “I thought I watched you die, man. Of course I’m not cool about it. I just, I guess this is the only way I know how to deal with it. Like I said, I learned the hard way that pretending everything is normal doesn’t work, but I guess now I’m trying to accept it and move on as fast as possible.”

“Seems healthy.”

Steve shrugged and let go of his hand at last. Billy told himself he wasn’t sad about that. Steve took a long drink before opening his mouth again.

“What’re you gonna do? You keep complaining about me trying to act like your therapist, but man, imagine trying to explain all this shit to an actual therapist.”

Billy laughed at that, “They’d lock us all up.”

“Exactly! We’ve just gotta do our best on our own.”

“I guess.”

They finished their food in comfortable silence. The sun had gone down a bit, soaking them in golden light. The angle of the light made it hard to see without squinting, but that didn’t stop Billy from looking. The sunlight made Steve’s soft brown eyes light up and his skin glistened with a thin layer of sweat from sitting outside in the heat. He tried not to be so obvious in his staring, but at one point, Steve looked up and met his eyes and gave him a soft smile. He immediately blinked and looked away and he could feel the flush rising in his cheeks. 

Once they’d both finished and thrown away their wrappers and empty cups, they hovered awkwardly near the car.

“You could come back to my place again,” Steve offered, “My parents are home now, but I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”

As tempted as he was to take that offer, he shook his head. He knew the earlier he got home the better. He’d like to think his dad wouldn’t hit him when he’d so recently gotten out of the hospital, but he wasn’t willing to count on it. And he didn’t want to have to explain that he’d been out sharing a meal and holding hands with a boy.

“I should get back. Do you mind?” he gestured towards the car. 

“Of course not,” Steve answered. They both climbed in and Steve pulled away. 

“We should do this again sometime,” He said, after a moment of silence. Billy looked over at him from the passenger seat, but Steve was staring pointedly forward, hands gripping the wheel tightly. If Billy didn’t know any better, he’d say Steve looked nervous. But that didn’t make sense. Why would Steve be nervous?

For a second, his mind gave him all kinds of reasons why Steve might be nervous. Everything from the worst  _ he doesn’t actually like you _ to the best and most unrealistic possibility  _ he actually really does like you _ went through his mind before he could shut them out. 

“Yeah, we should,” he answered simply instead. They were friends, friends hung out. He could do this. 

“Great,” Steve said, “Just call me whenever, like you did today. I haven’t, uh, been up to much, so I’m usually free.” He took his eyes off the road for just a second to look over at Billy and give him a smile. Billy couldn’t help but smile back. 

And it was great. They didn’t hang out everyday, but it was often enough that Billy no longer felt like he was trapped in his house. Sometimes they went to Steve’s, though they avoided that whenever his parents were home. Sometimes they’d share meals together and sometimes they’d just drive around aimlessly. 

They talked a lot and not only about what they’d gone through together. Steve told Billy stories about growing up in Hawkins, the shit he and his friends had pulled trying to entertain themselves in such a small town. In turn, Billy opened up about his own past, about growing up in California, learning to surf, the friends he’d left behind. Steve must have noticed there were certain topics he avoided mentioning, namely his mother and the move to Hawkins, but he never pushed. 

Billy’s crush only grew worse the more they got to know each other. There was no denying that he and Steve were real friends and Billy didn’t want that to change. Steve seemed to be blissfully ignorant of Billy’s feelings and that was a source of both relief and sadness for Billy. On the one hand, Steve not knowing saved Billy from the pain of rejection, but on the other, it also meant that there was no chance of reciprocation.

Not that Billy expected Steve to feel the same, it was just, every now and then, Steve would do something that would make Billy think  _ maybe _ . Sometimes, Billy would catch Steve looking at him, his eyes soft, usually with a small smile on his face and he had to stop himself from thinking about what that look could mean because there was no way. 

Steve was touchy, too. There were friendly nudges and pats on the back. When they walked, no matter the distance Billy tried to keep, Steve always wound up close enough that their arms and hands brushed together. On one momentous occasion, Steve reached across the table they were sharing to brush a flyaway hair back into place and Billy about forgot how to breath. 

It wasn’t always fun. Billy still had bad days. Days where he didn’t leave his room, unable to escape the crushing guilt of what he’d done. He went back to the hospital for a check up and they told him he was progressing about as expected. They also told him that, due to the seriousness of the injuries he sustained, there was a chance he’d never completely heal. He may always carry some level of pain and discomfort, never able to move with the freedom he was used to.

He went home that day, locked himself in his room and punched a hole in his wall. Basketball, exercise, surfing-if he ever made it back to California-, he may never be able to do them again. 

For the first time in weeks, he looked at himself in the mirror. Of course, he’d caught glances of himself in store windows and he’d been unable to avoid the bathroom, but he never looked below the neck, Afraid of what he’d see. 

Hand still throbbing from the hole he’d put in the drywall, he lifted the mirror in his room and turned it so he was gazing back at himself. With unsteady hands, he pulled his shirt off over his head and let it fall to the floor at his feet. For a moment longer, he gazed into his own eyes before working up the nerve to look down. He felt tears well up in his eyes as his hands moved over a body he barely recognized. 

The surface injuries had healed since he’d last looked at them and the bruising was all gone, but he hadn’t been prepared for the scars. Large patches of his skin were raised and discolored, marking clearly where that thing had bitten into him. Underneath, though, still wasn’t the body he knew. The muscles he’d been so proud of, the physique he’d worked hard to achieve and maintain had atrophied while he healed from his injuries. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d worked out, but it had to have been before he was possessed. He prodded at where his middle had gotten soft while his other hand rubbed at the scars. There’d be no more lounging out by the pool, soaking up the attention. No more pulling his shirt off to work out and enjoy the envy of those around him. 

The scars would never go away and if the doctors were right, he’d never look like that again. Could never build up the muscle again. Could never play sports again. He’d been trying to ignore it, the pain that had decreased, but never gone completely away, the shortness of breath he felt sometimes just from walking, but now the reality of it all was staring back at him from his mirror. 

He flipped the mirror over again. He was pretty sure it cracked when he slammed it against the wall, but he didn’t bother checking. He collapsed face first into his bed, fighting the urge to cry. He felt like he was going to choke on his feelings. He wanted to scream and rage and break things until everything around him was as ugly and broken as he was. 

He didn’t do any of those things. He shoved his face into his pillow, fists clenched in the sheets next to his head. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that until breathing calmed. He lifted his head, let out a shuddering breath and flexed his fingers. His face felt sticky from the dried tears, but he didn’t have the energy to get up to the bathroom to clean himself off. Instead he rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. 

It was still light outside, it wasn’t that late. He was sure Susan would let him borrow the car. Or he could call Steve to hang out. Either of those sounded like better ideas than staying in bed, he knew he’d feel better if he got out. But he couldn’t. Standing, getting out the door, it all seemed so difficult, so far away. Instead, he stayed in bed, dozing in and out as the sun went lower and his room got darker. 

He emerged sometime the next day, disoriented and still somehow tired. He changed out of the previous day’s clothes and wandered out to the kitchen. The house was quiet, meaning it was probably late enough that his dad was already at work. 

Max was laying across the couch, flipping through a comic book. She lowered it enough to look at him over the pages.

“El’s coming over. Her dad should be dropping her off soon.”

“Okay.” He didn’t see what that had to do with him.

“You should hang out with us,” she continued.

“And why would I want to do that?”

“El likes you.”

“El barely knows me.”

“Probably why she likes you. Most people who know you don’t.”

He snorted and rolled his eyes, not bothering with a comeback. He also didn’t retreat back to his room. He shoved Max’s legs off the couch to make room for himself and ignored her glare. He picked up the remote and clicked through a few channels until he heard a car pull up outside. 

Max opened the door and he tried to ignore her until she called his name.

“Billy, Hopper wants to talk to you.”

His eyes moved from the screen to the front door where he could see Max and El standing in the entryway with El’s dad-the  _ police chief _ -in the doorway. He could already feel his palms getting sweaty, but he didn’t have much of a choice but to obey. Max and El moved further into the living room as he approached the door, giving them some semblance of privacy, though he doubted they’d actually moved out of ear shot. 

The chief was a large man, bigger and taller than Billy. As a rule, Billy didn’t trust cops and he’d always had problems with authority, despite his dad’s best attempts to beat the disrespect out of him. 

“Sir,” he greeted, trying not to let his unease show. 

“How you doing, kid?”

“Fine, sir.”

The chief nodded, as if that was the answer he’d expected. “That’s good to hear.” He looked down at his feet and shuffled a bit. Billy was struck by the unexpected revelation that Chief Hopper was uncomfortable and nervous too. He didn’t know what to do with that. 

“Listen, kid, we’re all glad you’re doing better, but, uh, if you’re ever not, that is, just, uh, just know that we, uh, care. And we, uh, want to help.”

That was not what Billy had been expecting. He wasn’t sure what he thought he’d been about to hear, but an awkward, halting reassurance sure as hell wasn’t it.

“Thank you, sir,” he said, for lack of anything better.

“You’re welcome. And for Christ’s sake, kid, call me Hopper, or Hop, hell, even Chief. Just not sir”

“Okay, si-Chief.” The word felt awkward in his mouth, but he wasn’t ready for names, even last names, and definitely not nicknames. 

The chief nodded, “Okay, if you guys need anything, give me a call down at the station. If not, I’ll be back after work.”

Billy nodded. He heard the girls call out their goodbyes from behind him and then the door swung shut and he was left alone with his sister and her friend. Her friend who had superpowers. 

He shook himself, trying to clear his head. He turned to go back to the living room and was met with Max and El both staring at him. 

“Is your old man always like that?” he asked El.

She giggled, “He’s not good at talking about feelings. Joyce is trying to help.”

“Joyce, huh?”

“Byers,” Max answered. “Will and Jonathan’s mom.”

He knew of Joyce Byers, of course, but he couldn’t remember ever having any significant interaction with her. She was a small, mousy woman, if he remembered correctly, though she must be tougher than she looked if the stories were to be believed.

“Alright then, I’ll be in my room-”

“You should stay,” El interrupted him. She phrased it as a suggestion, but he didn’t think it actually was. Max smirked at him from behind her. 

“Okay,” he said uncertainly. He retreated to his spot on the couch. “And what are you two going to be doing?”

“Max is showing me her comic books.”

“She’s been spending way too much time with boys,” Max explained, “And they all have terrible taste.”

Billy couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Only hanging out with boys? Really, kid? Boys suck.”

El looked at him, confused, “But, you are a boy.”

“Yeah, and when I was your age, I was awful.”

“You still are,” said Max, dropping onto the couch next to him. He shoved her half heartedly.

“I’m just saying,” he continued, choosing not to respond verbally to Max, “You gotta have more friends than just your boyfriend. You spend all your time with a guy who’s crazy about you, he’ll start to drive you nuts.”

“You know about boyfriends?”

Billy froze. She couldn’t know. But. Maybe she could. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d known something about him that she had no business knowing. The look on her face spoke only of confusion and curiosity, but he couldn’t help the spike of fear that shot through him at her innocent question. He had no idea what expression his face was making, but he knew he had to answer soon before it got even weirder.

“Nah,” he said, going for nonchalance, “I’m not boyfriend material. Never really been the type of guy girls take home to meet their parents, you know what I mean?”

“I think so,” she said, but she still looked confused.

Technically, none of it was a lie. He wasn’t boyfriend material. He’d never had a boyfriend or been one. And he definitely had never had a girl introduce him to her parents. Unless you counted the monster bringing him and Heather back to her house, but he was trying not to think about that. 

“Enough about boyfriends,” Max cut in, “We’re here so I can teach you about all the badass female superheroes that Mike is too lame to read about.” She picked her stack of books up off the floor and started going through them, introducing El to the different characters and giving brief run downs of the plot. 

Billy sat with them, half listening, half watching TV. Every now and then, he’d butt in with his own commentary. Without fail, Max told him to shut up every time. But she didn’t say it harshly and a few times he even got a laugh out of El, so he decided that there could have been worse ways to spend his day. 

The next day, Billy called Steve again to hang out. He was getting used to them regularly spending time together, which was definitely a problem, but he also couldn’t convince himself to stop.

Steve’s parents were gone again, meaning they had the house to themselves. They planted themselves on the Harrington’s huge couch with the TV playing in the background. They’d ordered a pizza for dinner and were now lounging comfortably. Billy knew he needed to leave, he’d said as much twenty minutes earlier, but still had yet to get up. 

It was late enough that his dad was most likely already home from work, so he’d have to face him on the way in anyway. He knew it would only get worse the later he was out, but he still didn’t want to leave. Leaving the comfort of Steve’s couch to go home and face his dad and then retreat back to his room seemed incredibly unappealing. 

“Hey,” He stretched out a leg and prodded Steve in the thigh with his toes.

“What?”

He almost asked for Steve to drive him home, knowing it would be a smart decision, but he didn’t. He hesitated for a moment before looking away, “Nothing, nevermind.”

Steve tugged at his ankle, “No, tell me.”

“Let go,” Billy said, trying to pull his leg back. He managed to move his leg, but not to dislodge Steve’s grip on him, so the result was pulling Steve forward until he landed awkwardly between Billy’s legs. 

Steve finally let go, using both hands to prop himself up, not moving from between Billy’s thighs. Billy was vaguely aware that the expression on his face probably looked terrified. He didn’t know what to do, couldn’t think of how to get out of that position without making it worse. Steve didn’t move either, looking a little confused with how he’d ended up there. He looked around, as if to confirm that yes, he was currently between his friends legs while said friend looked on in horror. He finally broke the silence. 

“Billy.”

Billy finally found his voice to respond, “Yeah?”

“I’m gonna try something. And if you don’t want me to, you gotta let me know, okay? Let me know and I’ll stop.”

“What are you doing?”

“I just have to,” Steve shuffled forward awkwardly until he and Billy were chest to chest, Steve still propped up over him. “Okay,” he said, “I’m gonna,”

Billy couldn’t breath. He couldn’t move and he couldn’t say anything. There was no way what he thought was about to happen was actually about to happen. But Steve was still leaning forward, eyes closing, and Billy didn’t do anything to stop him. 

Their lips pressed together gently, no heat behind it, just skin brushing against skin. Billy was too shocked to respond and when Steve pulled back, his eyes were still wide open and staring.

“Was that okay?” Steve asked.

Billy couldn’t respond, but luckily his body was more than on-board. Saying nothing, he gripped the back of Steve’s head, threading his fingers through his hair and pulled him back down. Steve collapsed on his chest and Billy ignored the pain that caused to keep kissing him. 

They kissed and kissed until they finally had to break apart for air. They parted, their faces still only inches apart, both breathing heavy. Billy would have been happy to stay like that for the rest of his life, but he couldn’t ignore the pain having Steve laying on his chest was causing much longer. 

“Can you, uh, I’m still kind of sore.”

It took a second for Steve to register what he was talking about, letting out an “oh shit, sorry,” when he did and scrambling back. They both sat up, facing forward, still slightly out of breath. 

“I should go,” Billy said finally. Steve looked up at him sharply. “I’m not, I’m not running away, or anything. It’s just getting late. Hey,” feeling brave, he reached out and grabbed Steve’s hand, “But we can do this again tomorrow, yeah?”

Steve squeezed his hand, “Yeah, come on.” He pulled Billy up off the couch. “I’ll take you home.”

They let each other’s hands to go to put their shoes on and get in the car, but they held hands the whole car ride back to Billy’s. They kissed again before he got out of the car, after making sure no one could see them from the front window. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” Steve asked against his lips.

Billy nodded, “I’ll call you.” They kissed one more time before Billy forced himself out of the car. He wasn’t looking forward to going back inside, he didn’t want to face his father or hide away in his room, but despite all that, he couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. He knew it was a bad idea, he knew he had to be very careful, but he couldn’t help it. 

He schooled his face into the most neutral expression he could manage to avoid suspicion and walked into the house.

* * *

“Since when are you and Steve Harrington friends?” 

Billy jumped in surprise, not having noticed Max approaching him while he’d been on the phone. 

“Is that where you go off to some days? You two are hanging out?”

His first instinct was to lash out, say something mean, get her to fight back and distract from her original question. But he was trying to be better and it was unlikely that Max would immediately make the jump from him and Steve hanging out to Billy’s apparently requited feelings for Steve.

“Sometimes,” he answered instead. 

She eyed him suspiciously. They’d been getting along better, even before he’d been possessed, but he couldn’t blame her for not trusting him completely. He didn’t have a great track record. 

“Why?”

“I don’t know why, Maxine,” he couldn’t help but let some of his irritation out, “We ran into each other once and just got to talking. We’re friends now, I guess.”

“And what about that time you tried to kill him?”

‘I wasn’t trying to-listen, we talked about that. I apologized. It’s fine.”

That surprised her. “ _ You apologized? _ ”

“Yes, Max. And if you don’t believe me, he’ll be here in ten minutes and can confirm it for you.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, but nodded nonetheless. She pushed passed him to get to her room.

“Hey, Max,” he called after her.

“What?” she answered, turning back towards him.

“Just, can you not mention this to Neil? That I’m hanging out with Steve.”

“Why would I talk about you with Neil?”

“Just in case he asks, okay? Say you don’t know. I’ll” he shrugged helplessly, “I’ll owe you a favor, alright?”

She studied him for a moment and he didn’t want to think about what she was looking for or what she found. “Okay.”

“Okay, thanks.” She nodded once then turned back towards her room. When he heard her door close he let out a heavy sigh. He knew asking her to keep quiet would immediately make her suspicious, but he’d rather Max be suspicious than have her unthinkingly spill to his dad that he was spending so much of his free time one on one with another boy. 

Another boy whom he could hear pulling up outside. Putting all thoughts of Neil and Max out of his head. He went outside to meet Steve, unable to stifle the smile that spread across his face. 

They held hands the whole ride over to Steve’s house. Billy noticed that Steve didn’t ask what Billy wanted to do like he usually did; he just assumed that they’d be going back to his place. Billy decided not to comment on it. 

Billy had grown comfortable in the Harrington house, despite how big and empty it was, because being in that house meant being with Steve. It meant Steve puttering around, making inane comments about whatever was on TV, raiding his parents huge pantry, and laughing at Billy’s jokes. 

Now, though, as soon as the door closed behind them, he felt awkward, unsure of what to do next.

“So, uh, I think we should talk, maybe,” Steve said, saving Billy from having to make the first move.

“Talk?”

“Yeah, you know, about,” he gestured to the space between them, “Come on.”

He led them into the living room and they both took their usual places on the couch. Despite the awkwardness, Billy was pleased when he realized he had a designated spot on Steve’s couch. This time, though, the TV stayed off.

“So,” Steve began, “I’ve never, you know, done anything with a guy before. I just, I guess I’ve recently had my eyes opened,” he chuckled to himself and Billy felt like he was missing out on some detail, “and I know I like you. And I’m pretty sure you like me too.” He looked up at Billy, his hope written clearly across his face.

“I,” Billy hesitated, but there was really no point in denying it anymore, “Yeah, I like you, too.”

The smile that broke out across Steve’s face was breathtaking and he reached out to put one of his hands over Billy’s where it was clenched in a fist on his knee.

“I have, uh, been with guys before. Nothing serious, just thought you should know. All in California. No one since we moved. No one but you.” He unclenched his hand so he could weave his fingers through Steve’s, “So, now what?”

“Now,” Steve said, “I think you should kiss me.” And who was Billy to argue with that?

They wound up horizontal on the couch, next to each other so neither of their weights was resting completely on the other. At one point, Steve started to move his hand up under the hem of Billy’s shirt. At first Billy didn’t think much of it, if anything, he enjoyed it, until he remembers what lay under his shirt. He yanked his hand from where it had been tangled in Steve’s hair to grab his wrist, stopping his hand from inching up any farther. 

If he let Steve see or feel beneath his shirt, there’d be no way to hide what he looked like, the scars, the lack of his usual muscles. He had never been private about his body, Steve knew what he looked like before, what if that was what he was expecting? What if that was what he wanted? He still hadn’t turned around the mirror in his room and if he couldn’t even bear to look at himself, there was no way he could let Steve see him. 

Steve pulled away at the sudden movement. “Are you okay?”

Billy nodded, “Just, not yet, okay?” Steve nodded.

“Yeah, of course. I just want you to be comfortable.”

“Thank you,” it came out a bit more intense than he’d intended, but there was no taking it back. Steve gave him a questioning look.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah,” he wrapped his arms around Steve, pulling him closer until he could hide his face in his shoulder. It probably made his next words come out muffled, but he was pretty sure Steve got it when he whispered “I’m exactly where I want to be.”

Eventually, they separated. Steve put in a movie from his VHS collection. They ordered a pizza again and Billy joked that Steve, living on his own so often, was probably keeping the place in business. They settled in to watch the movie, snug against each other with the pizza box on the coffee table, easily within reach.

Their hands were laced together and Steve was stroking his thumb up and down Billy’s hand. 

Billy was suddenly struck by how happy he was. For the first time since moving to Hawkins, there was nowhere else he’d rather be. No desire to run, no anger, no sadness, no overwhelming, violent urges. It was almost too good to be true.

Almost as soon as he felt it, that happiness was chased away by the overwhelming guilt. The feeling that he didn’t deserve it. All those people he killed, they deserved happiness. He hadn’t been close with Heather, but they were friendly enough. He knew how excited she was to start college in the fall. She was supposed to be spending her summer preparing, not dead. Not morphed into a giant monster with dozens of other people. Not sharing a memorial with both her parents because none of them had bodies to bury.

She should be sitting on a couch somewhere with a guy she liked. But she wasn’t. She never would, not after what he’d done. None of those people would ever feel happiness, or any other emotion ever again. He’d taken their lives, their futures, if only he’d been a little stronger, fought it off a little sooner-

He shot to his feet, startling Steve. He felt the same adrenaline fueled desire to move he’d felt when he’d had to throw himself out of the car. He felt like he was under attack, he needed to fight, but there was nothing there. His whole body was shaking and his breathing was too fast. 

“Billy?”

He jerked his head to look down at Steve.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” even as he said it, he knew the words weren’t believable, “I think I should go.” he started walking to the door.

“Hey, wait up!”

Steve got up off the couch, following after him. He caught his shoulder and forced him to turn. “Hey,” he said softly, “If you really wanna go, I’ll drive you home. But you don’t have to. You can tell me what’s wrong.”

Billy looked into Steve’s big, earnest eyes and felt something inside himself break.

“God damn it. God  _ fucking damn it _ .” He pulled his arm out of Steve’s grasp so he could press his hands into his eyes, trying to stem the flow of tears he knew was coming. He’d cried more since getting out of the hospital than he had in years and he was sick of it. 

“I can’t do this! I can’t,” his voice broke and he could feel the tears coming.

“Billy, what do you mean you can’t?”

“I shouldn’t-I, I killed them. I killed all of them. And now I’m here, with you, and I’m happy. I’m so fucking happy and that’s not fair, it’s not. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t get this.”

More tears were running down his face, his vision was too blurry to clearly see Steve, but he could feel the other boy standing next to him. He could feel when Steve wrapped his arms around him, could feel one hand stroking his hair and the other rubbing circles on his back. 

“Can you come sit down again?”

Billy didn’t answer, but he allowed himself to be led back to the couch. 

“Okay,” Steve said, grasping Billy’s hands, “I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again for you. That wasn’t you. I know, I know, let me finish. You said it yourself, you fought it, every day you fought it because you wanted to save those people. It was controlling them, just like it controlled you. You were another victim and,” he took a shuddery breath, “it probably would have killed you too. But you were too strong. You broke free and you stopped it. You saved El, you saved all us, and you were ready to die to do it. That doesn’t sound like a killer to me.”

Billy sniffled, refusing to meet Steve’s eyes. He tugged one hand free to wipe at his face.

“I guess I was wrong, you’re not so bad at this emotional intelligence stuff after all.”

Steve let out a soft laugh. Billy finally looked up and was horrified to see tears on Steve’s face as well. He used his free hand to gently brush them away. 

“Does that mean you believe me?”

“I,” he hesitated, “Maybe? I can’t, I can’t just get over it. Sometimes I just think about it, and it’s too much. I don’t know how to deal with it,” he finally admitted.

“That’s why I’m here to remind you,” Steve said, reclaiming his free hand.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“I’m not ‘dealing with’ anything, okay? I want to be here for you because I like you. And it’s not like I’m so put together, either,” he laughed. “I was tortured, I was,” his voice broke, “I thought I was gonna die down there. Which is ridiculous, because I’ve survived monsters and now some guy is gonna kill me?” He laughed again, broken and sad, and Billy pulled him back into a hug. “That bat I told you about? I don’t sleep with it any more, but I never got rid of it. After everything that’s happened, I don’t think either of us will ever be normal again. But I think we could be pretty good at being abnormal together.”

Billy pulled away to look at Steve. “I keep worrying about myself, about how I’m dealing with everything. I keep forgetting what you went through. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m kinda surprised myself how well I’m doing. And it definitely helps, having you here. I like knowing that I’m not alone, knowing that you’d have my back, if anything went wrong.”

He looked at Billy, as if searching for confirmation, and Billy nodded, as if there was ever the possibility Billy wouldn’t be there for him.

“And of course,” Steve continued, “the pretty face doesn’t hurt.”

He brushed a hand down Billy’s cheek and Billy couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re so fuckin’ cheesy, Harrington. Lame as hell.”

“I thought we agreed, first names only. And I may be cheesy and lame, but what does that say about your taste in guys?”

“It fuckin’ sucks,” he said, no malice in his voice.

“Yeah, yeah. Now, do you still want me to take you home?”

“I think I can stick around to finish the movie.”

It was late when Steve dropped Billy off, even later than he usually got back. The lights in the living room were still on, meaning he’d have to explain himself to his father. Still, he reminded himself, that was better than having to explain coming back in the middle of the night or, god forbid, the next morning. Steve must have noticed him tensing, because he squeezed Billy’s hand.

“You alright?”

Billy squeezed back, “Yeah, I’m fine.” Steve looked at him skeptically. “I swear, it’s nothing monster related. Just trying to figure out how I’ll explain to my old man where I was all night.”

“Oh,” Steve looked confused.

“Don’t worry about it,” Billy did his best to give a reassuring smile. He glanced at the house, making sure no one was by the windows before leaning forward to kiss one last time.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

He waited until he heard Steve pull away before opening the front door, just in case.

As he expected, Neil and Susan were on the couch together. Max was nowhere to be seen, probably in her room. As soon as the door closed behind him, Neil was on his feet, storming up to him and shoving him back.

“Where the hell were you?”

“I went out with some friends, we lost track of time. I’m sorry, sir. It won’t happen again.”

“Friends, huh? Since when do you have all these friends? I’ve never met any of them. Have you, Susan? Have you met any of Billy’s friends?”

“Neil,” she said softly, “Is it really so bad if he’s spending time with friends? After everything-,” But he wasn’t having it.

“I think it is bad, because I think he’s lying. Where were you really? What were you doing that you need to lie about?”

“I wasn’t doing anything, sir, I swear.”

“What’s going on?” Billy felt his dad freeze and looked over his shoulder to see Max standing in the doorway.

“Go back to bed, Maxine. You’re brother and I are just talking.”

Instead of listening to him, Max walked further into the living room and plopped down on the couch. “C’mon, it’s not that late. I wanna stay up and watch with you guys.”

“Maxine,” he said again, but she ignored the warning tone in his voice. 

“And Billy, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages. Were you off with that girl again?”

“Girl?” Neil asked, the surprise enough to make him step away from Billy to look at her. Billy was equally surprised, but he managed to keep his mouth shut. 

“Yeah,” Max said, laughing, “I caught him talking to her on the phone, all lovestruck and mushy. It was gross.”

Neil looked between the two of them, before settling on Billy. He stepped closer and lowered his voice, “Just watch whatever whores you’re spending time with, alright? For once in your life, don’t be an idiot.”

“Yes, sir,” Billy whispered back. With a nod, Neil turned from him and returned to the couch.

“Billy, you should watch with us,” Max called out.

“I’m pretty tired, I think I’m just gonna go to bed.” It wasn’t a lie, at least.

“Well, if  _ everyone’s  _ going to bed, I may as well too,” She said, getting up to follow him, despite the fact that their parents were still very much awake. She followed him down the hall and let herself into his room after him. When the door closed behind her, she spoke up.

“Were you with Steve?”

“Lower your voice!” He hissed at her, not wanting to take any chances.

“Were you?” She said again, lower this time.

“Yes, if you really want to know, I was. But I don’t see how it’s any of your business.”

She stared at him for a second, judging. “What are you doing, Billy?”

He flopped down on his bed, looking at the ceiling instead of at her. “I don’t know.” He answered. It probably wasn’t what she was looking for, but it was honest.

She was silent again, for so long that he almost thought she’d left, despite not hearing the door. Finally, she spoke again, “Just, be careful, okay? I can’t, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

He let out a sarcastic chuckle, “I’ve survived monsters, Max. I’m not gonna let some guy kill me.”

“You really think he’d try to kill you?”

“If he found out? Maybe. Probably.” He generally tried not to think too hard about what could happen if Neil ever found out, it was bad enough now that he was just suspicious. 

“Found out what?”

“Max,” he said harshly, turning to look at her, “I know you’re not that stupid.” She must have been suspicious after catching him on the phone and after her little show tonight, he was sure she had to be close to the truth.

“I wasn’t sure, but I wondered, sometimes. The stuff Neil says to you.”

“Yeah, he’s not too big on the idea of having a faggot son. Which is why you have to be completely silent about this, okay? No telling any of your little friends, no telling your boyfriend.”

“I know, I know. I wouldn’t.” She was quiet for a moment, “So, Steve Harrington, huh? How’d you land that?”

He laughed, “What, you don’t think I’m good enough to land Steve Harrington?”

“Not at all. I’m sure there are still some girls in Hawkins who’d kill to go out with him.”

“Yeah, well, they’ll have to really try. Turns out I’m pretty hard to kill.”

“I can’t believe you’re making jokes about almost dying,” even as she said it, though, she was fighting off laughter. “You and Steve, though, you’re good? You’re happy?”

“Yeah, we’re happy.”

“Good. And I care about both of you, so if either of you do anything stupid, just remember, I’ve fought monsters too.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a force to be reckoned with, Maxine.”

“Damn straight.”

With that, she left, shutting the door behind her. 

_ Well, _ he thought,  _ that could have gone worse _ .

* * *

He was woken the next day by his dad pounding on his door. He may have escaped relatively unscathed the night before, but it seemed that whatever grace period being in the hospital have given him had worn off. 

“Get up, you need to take your sister to see her friends and I have to get to work.”

“Susan can’t take her? I don’t have a car.”

“Susan has matters to attend to around the house. You can use her car. Now, get off your lazy ass and get some clothes on.”

Max was already waiting by the door when he emerged dressed and ready to go. He got the keys from Susan and they were out.

“Where are we going?”

“To see El. Come on, I know the way.”

“She and Hopper are staying in a little place in town, I think it’s a rental,” She explained on the way over, “They couldn’t stay at the cabin, obviously. Not after what happened.”

“Right,” he shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. He remembered her and El telling him how the cabin had been destroyed. At least he hadn’t been physically present for that one. 

Either not noticing or choosing to ignore his awkwardness, Max continued, “It’s right up here. Make a left. Yeah, this one.”

He pulled over in front of the house and waited as she climbed out. “What time should I come back?”

“You should come in,” She said instead.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, come on. Hopper’s not here, if that what you’re worried about. And I already told you, El likes you.”

“Does she not remember me trying to kill her?”

Max just rolled her eyes, not taking the bait. “Come  _ on _ , stop being an ass. Unless,” her voice turned sly, “You already have plans with Steve today.”

“Max.”

“Well, do you?”

He sighed, “I can come in for a little bit, alright. We’re probably hanging out later.” He turned the car off and followed her up to the house. 

El had the door open before they were even halfway up the walk, smiling and waving at them.

“Hi, Max. Billy, you came.”

“Yeah, well, my time’s in pretty high demand, so you gotta make it worth my while.”

She at him shrewdly, “You’re joking.”

“Yeah, kid. I’m joking.” He walked passed her, following Max into the house. 

“You two have a plan for the day or anything?”

“Not really,” Max answered, making herself comfortable on a large armchair, “Just hanging out. Relax, you’ll survive a few hours with us.”

“I’m not worried about survival, just boredom.”

“And what other, better things could you be doing right now?” She raised her eyebrows and him and he just sighed, knowing he’d lost that round.

El watched them both, confusion written across her face. “Is everything okay?” 

“Everything’s fine,” Max assured her, “Billy just needs to start getting out more.”

El looked back at him, searching for something, before letting out a surprised gasp. “You lied!” She said accusingly.

“What?” What the hell was she talking about?

“You said spending all your time with your boyfriend was bad. He’d drive you nuts.”

“El,” Max said, clearly shocked, “You know you’re not supposed to do that.”

“I’m,” she looked back at Billy, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

Billy was still staring at her, a few steps behind wherever she and Max were in comprehending what the hell just happened. Had she-

“Did you  _ read my mind? _ ”

“I’m sorry,” She said again.

“You’re sorry? And what about you,” he turned to Max, “I told you no one could know, but you had to keep teasing about it.”

“It’s fine, Billy. She doesn’t care. Right, El, you’re not mad?”

She shook her head, “Not mad. I’m happy for you.”

“Happy? Kid,” he felt his anger deflating as he looked at the two of them, “What they hell am I supposed to do with you?” He asked, not unkindly. He sighed loudly, “Just stay out of my head, okay?” She nodded.

“And no telling anyone else about this, alright? Either of you.” He gave Max a stern look, but she just rolled her eyes.

“I won’t. I promise,” El said and for once, he appreciated how serious she could be.

“Thank you. Now, do you know if your dad keeps any beer around here? I need a drink.”

After he’d found the beer, he settled in on the couch while the girls talked and laughed around him. While he drank, he thought. 

Two people knew about him and Steve. Two kids with friends and big mouths. He reminded himself that they’d managed managed to keep a government conspiracy and monsters from a different dimension secret, but even that couldn’t make him feel better. He’d have to tell Steve that they knew and he had no idea how that would go. 

Steve had said himself that he’d never been with a guy before. Maybe having other people know would be too much, make it too real, make him change his mind. Or maybe he’d be scared away. Realize how difficult a secret like this could be to keep and decide he didn’t want to risk it. 

Billy wouldn’t blame him for that. He doubted a small town like Hawkins would be accepting of two boys together and Steve’s parents probably already had some future laid out for him. Something with a nice girl and a picket fence. And he shuddered to think what his own father would do.

He had to tell Steve. And whatever Steve decided was best, he’d go along with it. No matter how much it hurt. 

“Hey!” he was broken out of his thoughts by Max nudging him in the side. 

“What?”

“You were spacing out. C’mon, if I knew you were just gonna sit on your ass all day, I wouldn’t have invited you.”

“I didn’t want to come in the first place, Maxine.”

She rolled her eyes, “Don’t call me Maxine. And besides, don’t you want to spend time together? Sibling bonding and all that.”

“I’m starting to miss the times when we couldn’t stand each other, you know that?”

“Lie,” El said. He glared at her, but she met him head on, unintimidated. 

“Fine, whatever. What do you want?” Max smiled triumphantly and El smiled too, all sweet and genuine. 

He didn’t know when he became such a pushover, and he wasn’t sure what to do about it. There was nothing for it at the moment, though, so he allowed himself to be pulled along by the two girls. 

He spent a few hours with the two of them. First hanging out in the house, then driving the three of them to go get food. They went to a popular diner in town for burgers and shakes, the kind of delicious and unhealthy food most parents saved for special occasions. Max and El both had a great time and he tried to pretend that that didn’t mean anything to him, that he was just being dragged along and not enjoying himself at all.

After the diner, the girls requested to be dropped off at the Wheeler house to meet the boys. He gave them both a look, but they ignored him. 

“Like you’re any better,” Max accused him, “Where are you going after you drop us off?”

“Yeah, where?” El backed her up.

He chose not to answer and pretended he couldn’t feel his cheeks heating up. He’d called Steve earlier from the Hoppers’ house to let him know that he’d be over later than usual. Steve had gotten a kick out of the whole thing and told him to come over whenever he was free. 

He pulled up in front of the Wheeler house to let the girls out. 

“Thanks, Billy,” El said with a smile. 

“Yeah, thanks Billy. Tell Steve we save hi.” Max joked.

“Get the hell out of here,” he said back, with nowhere near the amount of heat it may have once contained, “And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” He called after them. Max lifted up her middle finger without turning around. 

Laughing to himself, he gunned the engine and pulled away. He headed straight for the Harrington house, the route now familiar, though usually he wasn’t the one driving. What was unfamiliar was pulling up out front and seeing that Steve’s car wasn’t alone in the driveway. Billy had couldn’t remember ever seeing the car before and the only logical explanation was that it belonged to one of Steve’s parents. His parents who were supposed to be out of town for another two days.

Billy parked a few houses down and killed the engine, contemplating what to do. He’d never met Steve’s parents. In fact, they’d specifically avoided the Harrington house whenever one or both of them were home. Now, though, he had no way of letting Steve know he was there without also alerting his parents. 

He sat for another few minutes, struggling with what to do. Finally, steeling himself, he climbed out of the car. Unless he wanted to spend the rest of the night sitting in his car, hoping Steve happened to look out the window, he had to make some kind of move. He could feel his confidence dwindling as he got closer to the door, but he powered through. 

_ It’ll be fine _ , he told himself,  _ they won’t suspect anything.  _

Before he could lose his nerve, he marched up the final steps and rang the doorbell. He waited for five seconds and was about two more away from aborting the mission and running back to his car when the door swung open. 

“Hi there, what can I do for you?” The woman at the door had to be Steve’s mom. She had the same brown eyes, though her hair was lighter, and he could see the similarity in the shape of her face. She was smiling, but there was also a wariness in her eyes. He did his best to turn up the charm before answering.

“Hello, you must be Mrs. Harrington. I’m a friend of Steve’s, we were supposed to hang out tonight.” He gave her the most pleasant smile he could manage, the one that had made quite a few of the other Hawkins’ moms melt. 

She gave him a considering look, but didn’t appear to take the bait. “And your name is?” She asked, hand still on the door, ready to slam it in his face, no doubt. He didn’t let that deter him. 

“Billy, ma’am. Billy Hargrove, would you mind telling him I’m here?”

“Billy Hargrove?” She gave him a quick up and down, and not the kind he was used to from her peers. It occurred to him, then, that she might already know his name and that she may associate it with the boy who beat her son practically unconscious. His hands twitched nervously at his sides, but he did his best to keep his smile from falling.

“I’ll go see what he’s up to. Just wait here.”

“Of course, Mrs. Harrington. Thank you.”

She closed the door in his face and he let out a breath. He figured the odds were about 50/50 she didn’t actually tell Steve he was there and was just left him out there to wait like an idiot until he finally got the hint. 

But before he could get too lost in his own head, the door opened again, this time to Steve’s smiling face. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.” He slid out the door, yelling out a goodbye to his mom over his shoulder. 

“Sorry about her, she got home earlier than I expected. I tried calling you back at Hopper’s, but,”

“Me and the girls went out for dinner.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. So, is your mom always like that to guests, or was it just me?”

They climbed into the car.

“Don’t take it personally. She’s never liked my friends. Guess I can’t really blame her either, after all the assholes I hung out with in highschool.”

“Yeah,” Billy nodded, “You were a real jerk back then.”

Steve looked at him, offended, “You didn’t even know me back then.”

“But I heard the stories, King Steve. Remember, I had some of those same asshole friends.”

“Right, how could I forget. You swooped in and stole Tommy from me.”

Billy laughed, “God, what an asshole.”

“Yeah. By the way, where are we going?”

Billy realized he’d already pulled away and started driving without a real destination in mind. He was heading in the general direction of downtown, but with no actual goal.

“Not sure, you have anywhere in mind?”

“Well, we can’t just hang out at mine, like we usually do. Obviously. And I take it your place is off limits?”

Billy flexed his grip on the steering wheel. Just the thought, bringing Steve back to his house, where his dad could find them. He’d have to be insane.

“Sorry, man. ‘Fraid that’s a no go.”

“Okay,  _ man _ . You have any ideas? There’s a couple of, uh,  _ spots _ I’m familiar with,” Billy looked over at him, eyebrows raised, “But I don’t think parking out in the woods in the dark is a good idea for either of us.”

Billy shuddered just thinking about it. “Yeah, probably better we steer clear of that. But good to know you’re familiar with all the good places in Hawkins to go parking.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure you had the same in California.”

“We didn’t have woods in my part of California.”

“Well, then whatever you had.”

“The beach,” Billy said, a wistful note in his voice. Not for any one person he’d spent time with, but for the place itself. He made another turn, bringing them further into the center of town, still aware that they had no destination. 

“I hung out there during the day, too. All the time. But at night, it’d be almost completely empty. You could see so many stars; it would get cold, so you’d have to bring blankets. Or some people would light fires, but I usually stayed in the dark. A fire would draw attention.” He was sure he didn’t need to explain to Steve why that would be bad.

“I’d like to go someday,” Steve said, “I’ve never seen the Pacific.”

“Really? Never?”

Steve shook his head. “No. I’ve been to the east coast a few times, but never the west. Too far, I guess.”

“Huh,” Billy didn’t know what to answer to that. His plan had always been to flee Hawkins as soon as he was able. Get back to California, back to his beach, his ocean. That plan had been considerably delayed, but not abandoned. And not even Steve Harrington’s pretty face and good hair could make him stay in Hawkins any longer than he had to. He wondered if Steve had ever considered leaving for good.

He didn’t voice any of these thoughts. It was safer to change the subject.

“We still don’t know where we’re going,” He reminded Steve.

“Shit, ah, just pull over up here.”

Billy did as he was told, lining up against the curb and putting the car in park. 

“Come on,” Steve said, getting out of the car. 

“Where are we going?”

“For a walk.”

“A walk?”

“Yeah. I know, I know, it’s no beach, but it’s not too bad.”

Billy just laughed and shook his head, but he followed Steve out of the car and joined him on the sidewalk. 

“You’re okay to walk, right?” Steve glanced down at his chest where, currently covered by his shirt, the remnants of his injuries remained.

“I’m fine,” Billy snapped. Steve looked taken aback, not prepared for the hostility. Billy took a breath, reminded himself that he couldn’t be mad at Steve just because he was injured. Steve was being considerate and he should appreciate it. And he wasn’t wrong in worrying.

“Just, maybe, not so fast?” He hated admitting to it, but Steve already knew, didn’t he? He’d watched it happen.

“Of course.” he slowed his walk down to a stroll that Billy could match comfortably.

The sun was almost completely behind the horizon, lighting up the sky in dark pinks and golds. There were still enough people and cars out on the streets that Billy didn’t have to worry about being dragged off again. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to grab Steve’s hand, to hold him close as they walked. But he couldn’t do that. And that reminded him of what he needed to tell Steve.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” he said. He let his hand brush against Steve’s, but refused to meet his eyes.

“What is it?”

Billy glanced behind them before answering, making sure there was no one in earshot. “Max knows. And El.”

“Knows what?”

Billy rolled his eyes, “About this. Us.”

“Oh.  _ Oh _ .”

“Yeah.”

“You told them?”

Billy stopped short, not liking the accusatory tone in Steve’s voice.

“Of course I didn’t tell them. Max heard me talking to you on the phone. I didn’t say anything, but I needed to make sure she wouldn’t tell my dad and that made her suspicious, I guess.” he started walking again, forcing Steve to take an extra step to catch up. “She figured out it was you I was spending all my time with and when I came home the other night, she covered for me. I confirmed it, but she had figured it out on her own already. She’s a smart kid.”

“Yeah, she is. And El?”

Billy snorted out a laugh, “The girl reads minds, Steve.”

“She’s not supposed to do that.”

“That’s what I heard. Too late now, I guess.”

“I guess. So, now they know.”

“Now they know. I’m, uh, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. Like you said, they’re smart kids. And if nothing else, we know they can keep a secret.”

“I guess. You’re really not mad?”

“Of course not. I mean, a couple of years ago, I probably would have been freaking out. God forbid anything ruin my reputation,” he chuckled, “but I’ve got more important things to worry about now.”

Billy didn’t have it in him to remind Steve that it wasn’t just reputations they needed to be worried about, so he nodded and kept walking. 

“Yeah, more important things. Speaking of,” look at us,” He gestured to the space around them, “Look at us. Out and about after dark. Almost like we’re completely normal people with nothing to be afraid of.”

Steve laughed, allowing the abrupt change of subject. “I don’t think either of us will be normal again. Not any time soon. But this is nice. I told you, it’s better when you’re not alone.”

For once, Billy didn’t fight the warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest. He leaned over, knocking his shoulder into Steve’s, the most contact he could get while they were out in public.

They wandered aimlessly for a little while, mostly silent, just enjoying each other’s company. They’d almost completed a circle, the car visible in the distance, when Billy spoke again.

“I should go soon. It’s getting late and I have to drop you off. My dad’s already suspicious, I don’t want to give him more reason to get mad.”

Steve gave him a weird look. “You worry about your dad a lot.”

“He’s not the nicest guy.”

“Yeah, I’ve gathered that. He doesn’t, I mean, he never, uh, you know,” He made some kind of gesture that could have been a pantomime of a punch, “Right?”

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t.”

Steve stopped walking, his hand on Billy’s arm. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t ask, okay? Please.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to lie to you.”

“Billy,” he said, his voice soft.

Billy shrugged out of Steve’s grasp and started walking again. Steve followed after him and they walked in silence the rest of the way to the car. Neither of them spoke on the ride back to Steve’s either, but Steve did pry Billy’s right hand off the steering wheel to hold it, so it could have been worse.

They pulled up outside Steve’s house a few minutes later, but he didn’t get out right away. Instead, they idled in silence, the radio playing in the background the only noise. 

“I get it, if you don’t want to talk about it,” Steve said, finally, “Just know that I’m here for you. For any of it. Monsters, or your dad, if it ever gets really bad, just let me know, okay?”

Billy swallowed thickly. Not trusting his voice, he nodded.

“Okay,” Steve said again. “I’ll see you, yeah?”

Billy nodded again and Steve opened the door and started getting out.

“Hey, Steve,” Billy forced out. Steve leaned down into the still open door, looking at him expectantly.

“Just, uh, me too. You, uh, you have me, too. I’m here for you.”

Steve smiled at him and for a moment, Billy let himself believe that the two of them would be alright.

“Goodnight, Billy.”

“Goodnight.”

Billy stayed sitting there as Steve walked up to his front door and didn’t leave until the he’d gone inside. He was just putting off the inevitable, he knew, but he didn’t want to let the moment go.

As he pulled away from the curb, he let his thoughts wander back to the beach in California. As soon as he’d been forced to leave, he’d been dreaming of returning. Getting in his car, leaving everything in Hawkins behind and flying across the country until he was free.

He could almost feel it right then, alone in his car. The sand clinging to his skin, the smell of saltwater in the air, the sky and the ocean stretching endlessly into the distance. Only, as he imagined it, he wasn’t alone. Steve Harrington was next to him on that beach, smiling and delighted as he took in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. 

It was just his imagination. He had no idea if Steve would ever want to leave Hawkins. He had no idea if he himself would ever be able to do it, despite how much he wanted to. He didn’t know if the two of them would even last. They hadn’t given an official name to what they’d been doing; were they dating, were they boyfriends? They’d only been together for about a month.

Still. 

For the first time in a long time, Billy felt hopeful. As he drove through the night that terrified him, back to a house that he hated, he let himself feel that hope and bask in it and think to himself

_ Maybe _ . 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://vgorodye.tumblr.com) if you want get the rest of my only half-joking Billy Hargrove playlist, yell at me to finish my other ongoing story, or just say hi.
> 
> (also I may be open to some prompts)
> 
> all mistakes are my own.
> 
> :)


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